Time To Stop Pretending
July 27, 2009Well anyone who has visited my blog over the last couple of months may have noticed that I seemed to disappear off the planet. I got a couple of worried comments for which I feel a little guilty. I apologise to anyone who thought I may have hit bottom one too many times and taken my own life. I started a new relationship in the last few months and after a very long relationship filled with immense pain that ended in a soul crushing way it was blissful to get lost in the glow of a new and shiny relationship. It was far too easy to just focus completely on spending time with him eating ice-cream and joking around. I wanted nothing more than to forget all about my problems and lose myself in this new found happiness. Unfortunately that never works and it puts an overwhelming pressure on a new relationship. I needed him to constantly be around so I never had time to sit alone and let the bad thoughts in. That all came to a head on Thursday when the relationship nearly ended with an overly dramatic and passionate argument. He quite reasonable wanted more time for himself and I flipped out and turned it around to being all about me. I told him I couldn’t talk to him about anything and took all my deep seated issues and flung them in his face. Thankfully I’m extremely lucky and he was incredibly patient. He stayed calm and let me just vent absolutely everything on him. And was still waiting there to hug me when I’d finally exhausted myself and broke down crying. That was a first for me. Someone actually just being understanding and not abandoning me or turning on me.
On the subject of people understanding what it is that goes on in my head I had the crazy idea of having a family therapy session. The amount of pain my family can manage to cause me with one caustic comment is unbelievable. The event that caused me to think of the session was a horrible evening with my brother. He used to be the one person in the family that I could count on. The one who was gentle and understanding. But he is going through some stuff himself lately and it has turned him into an obnoxious git. He has lost a lot of weight and was boasting about how easy it is to lose weight and anyone who can’t is just lazy and not really trying. I’ve put on a good bit of weight due to the medications I am on and it has caused my bulimia to flare up terribly. I had actually just been sick before the conversation with my brother. I got quiet as it was hard for me to listen to him. He attacked me for getting thick for no reason so I tried to explain to him from my point of view how painful that topic was. Instead of trying to understand he turned it on me. Told me I was being ridiculous and unreasonable. Pushed me and pushed me in a way that I cannot bear. No amount of me explaining that while I know it may be unreasonable that doesn’t make it any less painful. And all the while my sister just sat there listening. Not wanting to weigh on either side and so leaving me to be reduced to a gibbering mess.
So I thought a good solution would be to have a family session. One where we could sit in a room with a qualified professional and have them explain to my family the extent of how easy it is to hurt me. That when a person is depressed the smallest comment can make them feel like you stabbed them. My family are not the types to give anyone special treatment. They would think it is ridiculous that they have to try not to say what they think, even if it is something that I find incredibly cruel and will result in my cutting or throwing up. My sister was all for the session and I was quite happy with her reaction. The real problem is my mother. When I asked her if she thought it was a good idea she said whatever I wanted to do was up to me and asked if attendance was mandatory. In therapy I’m learning to not have expectations of my family as it will just lead to pain. The problem is it’s extremely difficult not to wish your family would want to go to something that will help them understand you better. Something that could hopefully improve our relationship and make it so that I don’t absolutely dread spending time with them.
I need to learn they’ll never change. If I don’t they’re going to continue to have the power to break me over and over and over again.
Family issues certainly do prevade the borderline condition. I don’t think that it’s the only factor (because it also is very tied to physiological processes, neurochemical interactions and even the mechanics of the brain). But yeah, I can relate to reeling from dealing with my family.
I think that because I know how vulnerable I am to their ability to hurt me so easily, I really keep things on the surface. I’m trying to learn to truly know myself, to identify my boundaries and then not let anyone cross them (e.g., my mother).
Take care of *your*self.
Hey. Yeah I’m torn a lot between how much of this was my family situation, how much the rape and how much genetic. I think I’d drive myself mad trying to understand it all if I let myself.
I do generally stick with surface things with my family. It’s the only way our relationship has worked. I’ve been in counselling for a year now though and this is something I just want to give a try. I really and truly don’t believe it will change a single thing and we’ll go back to staying on the surface but at least I’ll know I tried.