Just Another Date On The Calendar
September 4, 2009Every year I tell myself that is what today will be. Nothing special or different about it. And yet here I am, struggling to breathe. I had make great plans with my counsellor to take the day back this year. Rather than mourning it, celebrating my survival. And yet as the day goes on and the clock inches closer to 3am I can feel the terror and depression consume me. I hate myself for letting him win like this but I can’t help it. He’s in my head. Like a knawing cancer eating at my insides. Every time I close my eyes I’m back there. I can feel him touching me, hear his voice in my ear. Even writing that much is a struggle. It’s been 9 years. How does still affect me so much? Will I ever truly escape him? I want to scream, cry, cut, break, end. I just want it to be over. People keep telling me how strong I am, that I am a survivor. I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t keep this up. I can’t live with him in my head. It disgusts me, makes my skin crawl. I’ll never be clean. It will never end.
