So it seems sticking at things is definitely not something I’m good at. It’s like some part of me is fighting constantly against getting better. I don’t know if it’s because it knows that it’s never actually going to happen and so is trying to avoid being set up for disappointment or if it’s just plain and simple self destructiveness. I know when I take my meds and keep up journalling and blogging I do better. I know it helps a massive amount. And yet I cannot make myself consistently do it.
It’s the thoughts of the looming forever that really kills me. I’ve been extremely down, yet again the last few weeks. And through a few very frank discussions with my counsellor I found out that this is the best I can hope for. That in all likeliness due to my illness I will be struggling with this forever. The best I can hope for is to use the meds and the techniques I learned in counselling to try and hold it at a mild level of depression rather than letting it spiral into the really dark place. The thing is the dark place is always there. If I let myself stop for a moment I can feel it. Tearing and screaming. Ripping me apart from the inside out. I want to rip my skin off, bash my head in, just make it stop. Cutting gives me peace but that’s not acceptable. It’s not normal. Healthy people working for a healthy life don’t do things like that. They dismiss the relief it overs as a trick, a symptom of their messed up neurochemistry. I want relief but I’m not allowed it. I have to spend forever struggling, pushing away the black and dismissing it as a symptom, a sniffle to be ignored.
How do I do this forever?
